Some Truths

I am a 33 year old woman who sleeps with a teddy bear and I have since age 8. I am ok with this.

I don't silence my opinions. And I do not begrudge others theirs. But don't expect me to agree with you. And don't see it as a character flaw if I don't.

I believe that I am not responsible for the actions of others, only my own. Therefore, I will try not to judge you or change you. But I will walk away if I believe that you are a negative force in my world.

I've only recently learned that I don't have to look good dancing in order to enjoy it. Once I came to that realization my life has been much more fun.

Lately the concept of quality over quantity has become more real than ever. Four people who are unflinchingly supportive and will drop anything to be there are so much better than ten who are not.

I'm not one of those women who puts other people first. Although I have been in the past. I don't recommend it. If you don't recognize the triumph in that, then you probably won't like me.

I sing along to songs in the car. Loudly. (sometimes I even roll down all the windows so everyone will hear me, even though my singing voice is nothing to write home about). I once had a friend who hated that. She still lives in our home town in the house where she grew up. I feel as though the two are connected.

I think standing by one's convictions is the most difficult and courageous thing someone can do. I am often disappointed by people who are unable to do this. Even myself.

Many people say I'm intimidating. I think it's just that I have a well-rounded and precise vocabulary and am not afraid to use it.

Perhaps the above has something to do with the fact that I don't pull punches. More people should do this. I will respect you more if you do.

I believe that happy is better than sad and I try every day to be positive. Sometimes this is really difficult and I can never do it alone.

I want more for the children in this country and especially this city. I think we are failing them. How hard is it to care? How hard is it to do a little something for your community? If your answer to this is I don't know or I don't care then you do not have my respect.

My goal for this year is to be unapologetic about getting what I want -- from myself, my family, my friends, my career, my LIFE. If you want to be a part of it, get on board. If not, eat my dust.

If Only You Would SHUT UP!

Then maybe I could cultivate a productive casual sexual encounter with you.

Confused?

Well, I guess I should back up a few steps.

Remember that not so nice guy who I wrote about a few months back?

He seems to have resurfaced and presented a pleasing option to me.

You see, I am in the process of extricating from the excrutiating yet tantalizing tentacles of my other FWB situation. Which, as rightly predicted by a commenter, has gone beyond the casual and much too far into the emotional to fairly be called FWB.

In the wake of this messy "breakup" (which is not an appropriate characterization, but I lack better words) I am seeking an actual emotion-free sexual partner.

I think I just might have a good option in not so nice guy.

As I type this, I am seeing how stupid it sounds, but I will go on, as I staunchly believe, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

You see, not so nice guy sucks as a person, but is 100% my physical type -- smart, bespectacled, dog lover, with nice hair and a sweet smile.

He is not, however, my emotional type. He's a jerk. He's self-centered, arrogant, unreasonably and inappropriately self-satisfied . . . I could go on. There is no danger of me falling for this person. NONE.

My question: Is it possible to actually enjoy and draw satisfaction from a sexual encounter with someone that you, for all intents and purposes, loathe?

OK, maybe loathe is a strong word.

Lack respect for? Find objectionable as a human being? Think little of?

I would like to find out.

Yes, he's that attractive.

I might have to rethink this.

Guys out there -- how would you react if a woman said to you, "Listen: I think you are a jerk, but I think you're HOTT. Can we have sex with no talking or cuddling and perhaps with a lot of whiskey consumed separately before the fact?"

I like the idea of being more in control than I have in the past. But I don't like the cold-heartedness that having this idea belies.

Did I mention that he lives across the street from me?

Is this perfect or am I crazy?

. . .

Ok, don't answer that.

Love Letter

It's been a bit maudlin and shoe-gazing around here lately, so I thought I'd put a new spin on things and send a shout out to my peeps.

I've been reflecting a lot lately (see above sentence and my last three posts.)

The reflection is happening both on and off-blog. It's related to a lot of things -- work, family, friends, life in general, who I am, what I want, and what I want from the people in my life.

I've made some pretty big decisions and changes this year. They're probably not outwardly obvious to most people, but some, my friends, have noticed.

Just this Monday I was gchatting with D. She's been a rock -- helping me through tons of crap over the past year. She recently moved away and I miss her a ton. But we gchat now, which is fun. So, anyway, she was giving me positive reinforcement -- she listed out all of the great things that I've done (great for me, not generally great) in the past year.

When I thought about this exchange later on, I realized, one of the greatest things about this past year has been the quality and value that my friendships have taken on.

So, although I've clearly taken the long way to this, I want to write a love letter to my friends.

To ice cream -- crazy nights, lazy days, looooong chats, ciggies in the car, laughs and giggles, shopping, steaming, walking . . . we've done it all, and I'm so happy that you are my friend. No one else would have taken on operation lawnchair*, but your commitment to sitting made a weird situation totally fine. I know you would stand by me through anything, and for that I really love you.

To K -- the virtual soulmate -- I cannot believe how lucky I am to have met a person that has the exact same brain as me, but with differences that are complimentary. The fact that we are friends makes me believe in fate.

To D -- were it not for you I surely would have cried more, quit my job, laughed less, yelled at my coworkers more, and not learned nearly as many drinking games. Chicago is lucky to have you, but DC isn't the same without you.

To S&G -- You two are the perfect couple. And the fact that I can have fun hanging out with either or both of you is so cool. Congratulations on all of the great moments that have happened so far this year and all the others that are coming in the future. P.S. -- S - I've never had a friend with a stronger commitment to having fun and throwing caution to the wind . . . and I love it.

To N -- Words cannot express how happy I am that you are going to be here in only 5 DAYS!!!! When you left Baltimore you took a piece of my heart with you, and though it is restored every time I see you, life is so much better when you are nearby. I'm so happy for you and C, and I can't wait to meet him. Love you love you love you.

I feel lucky to have these people in my life, and many others as well, particularly over the past 12 months when I've jumped off of so many cliffs. I learned something from every one of these people. And now I know what a real friend is . . . and what one isn't . . . and I have "the wisdom to know the difference."

To those who are out of the Fiery circle -- you and I were not meant to be, but I wish you well and hope that you eventually learn what I have learned about friendship over the past year.

A great big hug and kiss to Ice cream, K, D, S, G, and N.

XOXO

Fiery

*Operation Lawnchair -- During "the break-up" I accidentally left a lawnchair at Ex's house. Not wanting to contact him or see him, I wrote it off as a casualty of war and forgot about it until a couple weeks ago when Ice Cream wanted a chair for an outdoor party she was going to. I told her I had one but it was at Ex's house. She offered to go get it, which required contacting Ex, who has been blatantly ignoring her for months, and going to his home to pick up said chair. She did it with grace and calm. And I am thrilled to have the chair back with absolutely no drama. Awesome friend.

Perspective

Here I sit, on a Monday, not feeling like my job is going to kill me (a change of pace for sure) and thinking about all that has happened in the past week to give me perspective.

I've been going through what is, for me, some pretty painful family turmoil about addressing deep emotional abuse, anger, remorse, fear, and everything (for my family, anyway) that comes about when a person in your family is aging to the point of being very near death.

Most likely because I have never been affected by death, I am not afraid of it -- of myself dying or of others dying. Of course no one I have loved deeply has ever died. But it seems that when people get close to death, those who love them get very nervous and sad -- hence the turmoil.

In the midst of these family issue breaking out last week, my friend ice cream told me that a good friend of hers -- a young man in his late 30s who was in excellent health and was one of those people who is so fully engaged with the world that his curiousity and joie de vivre is contagious -- died suddenly during a Saturday afternoon nap. He left behind a wife and other family members, not to mention a huge community of friends and colleagues.

In my mind I compared the death of ice cream's friend to the impending death that my family is addressing and thought of what a luxury it is for my family to have the opportunity to accept and deal with the loss of my grandmother before it actually happens. I, being the recipient of the emotional abuse, have no love lost for my grandmother. I have been eagerly awaiting her departure for many years. But last week I understood why it might be important to not just let her go without achieving closure and maybe forgiveness.

Because what if I didn't have a choice? What if someone I love just died without warning? And what if I had unfinished business with that person?

And what about everything else that I mentally or sometimes (ok, maybe a lot) verbally complain about in my daily life?

My Job
a) At least I have one
b) What am I doing to improve/change the situation?
c) At least no one at my job is committing any crimes
d) At least the job I have is paying me, and paying me well enough to live a fairly priveleged life
e) At least my job doesn't require me to subjugate or degrade myself

My Life
a) I am reasonably healthy
b) I have a home to go to and a bed to sleep in
c) I have love and affection and excellent friends
d) I have parents that love and support me and do not make me feel unworthy of them
e) The city where I live does not have war or suicide bombers or genocide or famine

So, really, even though I feel terrible and wish that I didn't have to deal with all of this family b******t, it could be worse. It could be so much worse.

Fiery H. Nuggets (The "H" is for Ha! You're not really that clever.)

It's time for my monthly blog post!

(Since my writing is fueled by inspiration, and inspiration strikes me rarely, it seems as if I will be posting monthly for a while.)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about social media -- twitter, facebook, gchat, blogs, etc.

"Hello?," you say, "Fiery you are so 5 years ago."

I know, I know, this social media conversation has been happening for many years. But I only care about things when they become relevant to me, so I am just now thinking about these things.

Here's what I'm thinking -- the word "Friend" has a whole new meaning to me.

"Friend" used to mean person with whom I have a direct and concrete connection, whom I enjoy spending time with, who is supportive and whom I support. "Friend" used to mean some kind of personal connection and commitment.

Now, Friend has all kinds of new connotations -- for example, you can "friend" someone on facebook, but you might never spend any actual time with them.

You can "follow" someone on twitter -- thereby creating a connection with no intention of ever meeting or really knowing the person. I have this relationship with Michael Ian Black, whom I find hilarious, but have never met and will likely never meet. Still, we are connected.

You can read and comment on someone's blog -- having access to their deepest thoughts and fears -- but never meet them or know their name. Even so, in the case of blogs, you can know someone better (or at least know more about them) than people in their own families.

Finally, and the primary inspiration for this blog post, there is gchat. I have entire friendships that are sustained primarily on gchat. I can go for weeks without seeing someone but know everything that is happening in their life because we spend a good 5+ hours a day (yes, boss, I can multitask) gchatting about various things. I find this a fascinating commentary on how friendships have evolved in my lifetime.

The options for connecting with people have increased so much from the "talk on the landline" days of my youth. Not to mention that you can avoid or delay or control your connections so much more easily. You can text in response to a voicemail, gchat in response to an email, screen calls from one guy on your cell phone while out with another guy. (No, I haven't done this.) Tweet about dates you are on with full knowledge that dates you are not on are reading it. (I might have done that.)

It's amazing.

And dangerous.

For example, yesterday I saw on facebook that one of my high school boyfriends is having a book published. A book that was reveiwed by the New York Times. Not to mention that he has a swank Brooklyn apartment that was also reviewed in the New York Times.

Perhaps this is cosmic retribution for me (I think) breaking his heart when we were 14. But knowing all of that made me feel very . . . behind and unsuccessful.

This is the drawback of social media. And it goes both ways. If I were him, I would feel very smug about the fact that he has achieved so much and is, in many ways, my perfect man. I hate my 14 year old self. Am currently metaphorically kicking her for thinking he was too dorky. (Actually, I don't think the end of our relationship was even that calculated. It just kind of petered out as I recall from 18 years beyond.)

Who could possibly have predicted that dorky, smart, dry-witted men would be my downfall later in life? Oh, and if you wear glasses . . . forget it.

So take note, all you dorky, smart, bespectacled, single men in their 30s (all two of you) . . . you can be the next Ben Winters. (i.e. you can be loved by me and then go on to great fame and success)Just don't be so lame as to say that your middle initial stands for hubris. It's just too far. Too literary. Too TOO.

How Do You Play A Game With No Rules?

I have made some very veiled allusions to a friendship that I have that includes benefits. (No, rumor mill, it is not someone you know.)

This relationship is somewhat longstanding and very comfortable, but it is not one that I would call defined.

The lack of definition is intentional. It’s a tacit agreement between the two of us that we are each others’ escape. We both know that it wouldn’t work out as a real relationship.

This all works very well. Except that, despite best efforts and intentions on both sides, sometimes emotions get in the way.

At those times, things get complicated. And people (me) make bad decisions about how to handle it.

Now is one of those times.

I did something really hurtful. Unintentionally, but the outcome was bad.

And I keep thinking . . . . . . what could I have done differently? When you are playing a game with no rules, how do you know when you’ve broken them?

A Lesson In Yiddish

There's a word that encompasses everything I look for in a friend, lover, or other (oooh rhyme -- I'm the Dr. Seuss of blogging.)

It's a Yiddish word.

You've probably heard it -- Mensch.

According to wikipedia and The Joys of Yiddish A mensch is "someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being “a real mensch” is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous"

Today I will focus on two of these defining words: decorous and responsible.

Let me tell you. Lately I have been witness (either first or second hand) to a few glorious displays of the Unmensch (literally defined as non-human, but that's a little harsh)

Sitch One-You are not decorous
I attend a large life-event celebration for a close friend from college. This friend just happens to be married to a close friend of my Ex. They just happen to be the ones who introduced me to Ex. Needless to say, I was hesistant/nauseous/unhappy about attending this event. I knew a number of Ex's friends would be there. Luckily no Ex, as someone had the presence of mind to not invite him.

Having scheduled a rescue drink/escape plan for my swift extrication from said uncomfortable situation, I put on my smiling face and braved the Sunday afternoon gift extravaganzaa for my friend's pending childbirth.

I knew it would be uncomfortable, but I figured we were all adults (at least chronologically) and that it would be fine for an hour or so.

I made it all of 15 minutes. 15 minutes!!!

The party was hosted in a lovely but relatively small space for a group of 20-30 people. Hence, people were cramped and avoidance was virtually impossible.

I walked in and immediately saw my lovely friend who looks happy and radiant and excited. I chatted with her for about 10 minutes. During that time her husband (Ex's friend) quite literally avoided making eye contact with me or speaking to me depsite walking right past me (with only inches . . . maybe centimeters between us) three times! Three. Apparently the third time is not the charm in this case.

He ignored me completely.

COMpletely!

It was almost as if I had killed Ex's cat (which I only pondered doing and did not actually execute (HA!) on) in a fit of scorned-woman rage. I don't know what that man told his friends about our breakup, but I was clearly not on this guy's list of favorites.

A number of the other FOEs (friends-of-Ex) also managed to ignore me in a way I found somewhat conspicuous.

Now, I will admit... I'm sure this all seemed much worse to me than anyone else and that perhaps I am being a bit self-centered. But come on! Not even a wave to your wife's really close friend from College? Really? F- that bullshit.

Sitch Two-You are not responsible
My lovely and wonderful friend ... let's call her ice cream ... was on her way home from a night out with someone awesome and super cool (me) after listening to me drunk dial pretty much everyone I've ever met. (I'm very entertaining when drunk dialing, apparently.)

Walking down the main drag of her neighborhood she came to a crossroads. Not quite the Robert Johnson type of crossroads, but definitely a point of no return.

Across the intersection, headed toward her across the street, was Ex. Apparently he was with three women (a surprise to me, given his poor game, but likely they were friends and not a foursome waiting to happen).

They were inevitably headed towards eachother in what could only be considered an unavoidable opportunity to be magnanimous and friendly.

(Sidenote: I would not call myself magnanimous in most situations and I have no idea how I would have handled this one had it been me and not her.)

Instead of choosing the menschy approach, Ex chose the cowardly lion route. Just as they were passing in the middle of the intersection, Ex turned his head completely away from ice cream and toward one of his girlfriends, as if deep in conversation.

According to ice cream there was NO WAY he could have missed seeing her.

Not to mention: Who walks with their head turned to the side when they are crossing the street?! If he continues to do that he might fall and hurt himself. I really hope *that* doesn't happen.

In the eternal words of my office mate: What a slapdick.

Needless to say, the mensch requirement is rather newly applied to my life and will be in full force from now on.

I guess what I've learned is that you can lead a man to adulthood but you can't make him mature.

Lesson learned. Expectations set. Pity the fool who doesn't mensch it up for me.